Tired of Working

I have been working for forty seven years so it is not surprising that I have lost my appetite for activities such as constant travelling, crawling around broken ships, working in shipyards and taking risks in obscure and unsafe safe parts of the world. There is however one significant issue, and that is the fact that I have a six year old son to look after and finances that do not match the likes of other older fathers such as the Rolling Stones.

I have worked for major oil and gas related companies such as McDermott's, Saipem etc but from 2010 to the end of 2017 I worked for BP and through a mixture of luck and being in the right place at the right time I found myself as project manager for a new build subsea construction vessel 'Khankendi' with a staggering budget of 420 million USD. I was working in Azerbaijan at the time and the ship was required to complete the subsea work for the Shah Deniz gas field in the Caspian Sea. The project was incredibly stressful, mainly because BP do not build ships of this type and the build team and I spent more time fighting BP management than we did with the shipyard and designers. I will refer to the project in the future but by the time the vessel was delivered, the stress had visibly aged me as well as causing high blood pressure and other health issues. I rejected a further two year contract and resigned to recover and spend a stress free Christmas and new year with my family. What could possibly go wrong?

Well I was immediately approached by a privately owned shipping company and considering that it was likely to be far less stressful than an oil major, I accepted the position of Technical Manager. I will not say that it was a mistake but by Christmas 2023 my responsibilities and work load had reached such a level that I was continually travelling whilst juggling a number of projects at the same time. Something had to give and unfortunately it was my brain.

On December 6th I cam into my home office and despite the financial implications, I realised that I could not carry on. By this time I was suffering from physical anxiety symptoms that included dizziness and feeling displaced from my body but I thought they were a separate issue. I don't believe in visiting doctors, but I had to find out what was causing my unusual symptoms so I found myself sitting with a GP describing my issues. It will sound strange but sitting there and talking made me immediately feel better and I did not resist when he suggested that my problem was mental rather than physical. He booked me in for all relevant tests such as an ECG and unsurprisingly all the results were normal.

I had to tell the owner of the company that I was, for the first time in five years, ill and needed to cut back on my work even though that would be very difficult. The GP saw me again and having admitted to the world that I was not bullet proof, he saw an improvement in my condition and demeanour but referred me to a Psychiatrist. Oh dear, the stigma of being referred to a psychiatrist and what help could this possibly be to me because all I need was a bit of rest. I left the doctors surgery but whilst walking home the strange dizzy feeling started again and I had to slow and then stop because I felt as if I was no longer in my body, detached and not really in control. This was a scary feeling and when I got home, I called the company owner and explained I needed a month with reduced work load to recover. To be fair he agreed especially as the Christmas period was quieter.

In case it is of use to others, I will deal with this episode in more detail separately but to cut a long story short, I resigned and my last day in work was May 6th. I now work as a consultant for the same company but my work day is very much under my control and I now have time to be with my family and work on our old and rather run down house. This has however resulted in a fixation becoming evident. I want the house to be beautiful and energy efficient but for some strange reason, I want to do all the work myself. So far, I have put a new roof on a single story part of the house and at the moment, I am removing the glass roof from the conservatory and replacing it with insulation and low weight slate alternatives. I am also installing solar panels and intend to make the house independent of electricity and to an extent gas. To date I have managed without external assistance but have relied on Mrs Jones on a few occasions.

This is a bit of a muddled post but the gist is that after a long career, I find myself at sixty seven years old, without a full time job, hardly any savings, working every moment of the day to make our home beautiful and energy efficient. The transition from project manager at the peak of his career to learning how to tile a roof has been rapid and to be honest, my only regret is that I did not do this sooner. I have worked hard for companies all my life and there has been one constant, as soon as you are not needed, you are dispensed with and the lovely words when you are at the top of your game are just that, words. I am happier at this moment than I can ever remember being, I have massive challenges, both physical and financial to overcome, and I would like to share the journey in this blog.

I would love to spend more time on my website but I need to do some of my day job and work on the drawings for the last project I was involved in. A flying barge! It would seem impossible but I will share it with you in the future. I will be back on the conservatory roof this afternoon and work till dark. I want things to be perfect, I want things to be beautiful, I want life to be great for my fantastic family.

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